Why Womanist Therapy?
“It’s Cause I’m Black” (iykyk)
“If you think constant societal scrutiny and community gaslighting aren’t impacting your mental and emotional health…. Well bless your heart.”
-Mi to my Homie 🫣
BLACK WOMEN ARE ENOUGH.
Beyond our labor and benefit to others, Black women and girls are enough. Outside respectability politics, religious confines, earning potential, and notions of desirability and femininity, Black women are enough. When we rest, say “no,” say “yes,” and are beaming with pride or consumed with regret, Black women are enough.
Black women share the unique intersections of race and gender. Our physical, mental, and economic health outcomes remain statistically alarming if not in a state of crisis. The demands of our roles and responsibilities compete with our personal needs.
https://www.networkforphl.org/news-insights/racial-disparities-in-womens-health/
Being a “good” woman or being good at being a woman can feel like a minefield. Navigating “Blackness” under Whyte supremacy can be exhausting. Exposure to individual and generational trauma has a way of increasing our vulnerability to harm while we compulsively strive to look and be anything but vulnerable. Internalizing this concoction of circumstances can leave many of us Black women questioning our abilities, value, and if we will ever be truly “enough”.
Social constructs have a way of further complicating our self-esteem, self-concept, and confidence. Below are several hypothetical everyday scenarios of how particular “Isms” harm Black women.
Classism:
A lovely working-class Black woman named Betty is sold the American dream her entire life. The promise of limitless upward mobility is ubiquitous. As long as Betty works hard, maximizes every opportunity, and has a few side hustles, she should be able to elevate herself to whatever social class she truly desires.
Little, if anything, is noted about the advantages of Betty’s cohort. Family support, economic investments, and invaluable networks. (The legacy of chattel slavery is never discussed.)
Betty does her best but doesn’t “level up.” She wholeheartedly blames herself. She spins her wheels, moving from one hustle to the next.
Racism:
Come on now… America 1619 to Present day.
Colorism:
A light-skinned Black woman named Sharon. Sharon’s frustrated with her (brown and darker skinned) friends for being so “negative” about the dating scene. They always seemed to be complaining about the guys they seemed interested in. Sharon doesn’t get it. Her dating life is just fine. She thinks maybe if her friends weren’t so aggressive and negative, they too would have her luck. Her friends were all beautiful and educated women. They just needed to be a bit softer and more feminine.
Sharon’s dismissing and likely hurting the feelings of her friends. Her willful ignorance or delusions leave her attributing her “luck” with men to her alleged positive attitude and femininity. Her oblivious approach limits her emotional growth and ability to genuinely connect with her friends on a heart level. Ignoring the fact that lighter skin and the closer proximity to whiteness offers privilege supports Whyte supremacy.
Ageism:
A middle-aged Black woman who goes by Monica walks in a local park, minding her business. A young man and his friend approached her, asking to interview her about the “dating in the scene” in her area. She hesitantly agrees. (She doesn’t want to come across as bitter or impolite.)
The young man proceeds with/ their interview but soon turns ambushed after Monica shares that she is 35 and single. The question becomes rapid and incessant: why do you think you’re single? Must have blown off some good dudes? What’s all that education doing for you on lonely nights? Monica’s bewildered, and the guys are thrilled with their new content. The engagement is about to go up!
Monica’s insecurities come rushing back. Was this stranger right? Should she have settled for John? Her mind is racing, and she’s filled with self-doubt.
Ageism is particularly tricky…like; what are the options.? We get older, or we go to glory 🤷🏽♀️.
Misogyny says, “How dare you be alive after your years of peek fertility and not belong to a man or be raising children. Competence and autonomy are weaponized against women who dare to be alive and only accountable to themselves.
Internalized Misogyny:
Kathy is a stunning Black woman who often struggles with sincere bouts of loneliness and isolation. Kathy loves her husband but longs for friendship and supportive “sisters” in her life. Try as she might, Kathy struggles to find friends who aren’t like “other girls.” Kathy is continually disgusted at how far modern Black women have fallen. “Those” women make it hard for “real women” like herself. Kathy is ALWAYS respectable. Her mama raised her right. She doesn’t need to show off her body and be ratchet for attention.
Kathy thought she was close to making a new “work friend,”…but she’s grateful for her gift of discernment.
The young lady seemed nice. She wears modest clothes, speaks respectfully to everyone, and focuses on her work. Kathy and the girl went to lunch, and her manners and etiquette were up to par.
Kathy was close to accepting this girl and being deceived... But Gawd. The spirit leads Kathy to her IG, and let me just say… “nope… twerking… at her own mother’s wedding”.. Nope, nope, nope.
While Kathy is disappointed, she decides to focus on overcoming her unforgiveness for her husband’s infidelity. When Kathy’s heart is right towards her husband, Gawd will send her friends.
These everyday examples may seem mild. Yet, they are indicative of how unconscious beliefs and agreements can manifest in our daily lives. Misplaced blame, dismissive self delusion, doubt and anxiety, and unrelenting criticism of those like yourself, can rob women of our peace, confidence, and healthy community. None of these hypothetical women are inherently better or worse than another. They all simply have different hurts and and adaptations to navigating the world around them.
The privilege of connecting with Black women from a nonjudgemental and graceful space is one of my favorite things about being a therapist. When I discuss the challenges facing Black women in a Eurocentric patriarchal world, folks will try to hit me with the “what about ism".
What about girls who do _______ ?
What about when Black women are rude or disrespectful?
Why don’t you hold Black women accountable?
My Answer: Holding Black women “accountable” according to patriarchy is not my job!
There is a hold world and thousands of podcasts hosts waiting to fulfill their self appointed mission to police, critic, and deride Black girls and women. Y’all don’t need me. Even when accountability is necessary, it can be done quietly. Accepting a person isn’t automatically endorsing a behavior.
Womanist Therapy and The Soft Life
Womanist therapy is all about liberation, love, freedom of movement and thought, collective care, genuine self-expression, compassion, openness, and flexibility. I hate to admit it, but some clients struggle with me as a provider because I’m not authoritative.
Some clients want me to tell them what to do. Some seem confused when I’m not upset if they don’t complete their homework. My disappointment or admonishment is not a long-term solution to intrinsic motivation. My approach is one of partnership. I trust my clients even when they struggle to trust themselves.
So many Black women “produce” because we have to. We accomplish and do amazing things, but how many of our accomplishments are born out of grace, joy, or compassion? Supporting Black Women as they move out of the F.O.G. and into intentionality manifests a Soft Life.
F. Fear
O. Obligation
G. Guilt
I don’t think anything is wrong if a woman has a partner who makes it as materially easy as possible. I’m here for it. .. “Sprinkle Sprinkle” 😉🤣. And there is softness which is inner work. An evolution and softening of ideas and shaking of impractical conditioning requires new source material. And I LOVE IT
Womanist Therapy and Bibliotherapy
I’m not a therapist who trips over homework. People will say, “I want homework,” or “I need accountability,”…so I assign homework, and when it’s not completed for 2-3 consistent weeks. I let it go… unless I have recommended a Book! Bibliotherapy is one of my favorite types of therapy. There are texts that will introduce us to concepts no one in our circles could ever show us. Sitting with new ideas doesn’t mean automatic acceptance and integration. Yet the act of slowing down and engaging in consideration opens the mind. Folks will tell themselves the same story about the same situation for decades. Ex: If Toni had just _______, then I would not be here 15 years later. I get it; we all get stuck. If we are struggling to come up with creative ideas for our issues, literature lets us try one someone else’s story. Someone once said, “Everything you need to know is in a book somewhere.” I took that to heart. People (in FL, TX, etc🙄) ban books, because ideas move people to change. Everything in our material world began with someone’s ideas. Texts can give you a bigger life even when you can leave your room.
I also want to acknowledge, that “reading” in a traditional sense can be challenging for people and even traumatizing. If this is the case for you or someone you know, please seek out other options to exchange ideas. Audiobooks, reading machines, braille, and translations are a few options.
Womanist Therapy and Embodiment
I will be brief here. Black women can have complicated relationships with the objectification and scrutiny of our physical bodies. Varying levels of physical abilities, fatphobia, physical abuse, and sexual abuse can make being present in one’s body challenging and triggering. Womanist therapy can be utilized as a gradual and patient practice for reintroducing women to their bodies. Mindful movements, mirror work, and functional recognition are some of the tools I use to help women feel at home and empowered in their physical vessels.
I plan on completing a blog series on Black women and our bodies in the coming year.
Womanist Therapy and Mi
I’m a Womanist Therapist … I’m unambiguously supportive of Black women. And I was shaking in my boots the first time I verbalized it. Folks can be a lot …I did not want to deal with a bunch of assumptions or have to explain to the licensing board that I’m not “discriminating”. I even attempted to write this blog without sharing my own journey with Womanism. So, I’m going to exercise some appropriate self-disclosure and follow the advice I give my clients. “Come on, Vulnerability, with your funky arse…” 🧸🚶🏽♀️
In the previous blog, “What is Womanist Therapy,” I briefly reflect on the complicated relationship a large swath of the Black community has with feminism. That complicated relationship kept me quiet and self-policing for many years. Going against the grain comes at a cost.. but it’s worth it.
Below is an illustration of my first-hand experience with addressing misogyny in my community. When my online advocacy addressed Black people as a collective that, was fine, Blackecifically men and boys sp better….Black women and girls…. 🦗or 🤬.
Feminism and the Black Community… An everyday illustration.
Supporting all Black women and not just those deemed worthy of respect really pisses some people off. (ex. good Black women and girls: those who don’t twerk, aren’t too loud, wear bonnets anywhere but in their homes, with the lights off, between the hours of 10 pm EST and 4 am EST). Please note I said people and not just men and boys.
BLACK WOMEN ARE ENOUGH. (full stop) This axiom is the foundation of my work. Black women don’t have to earn their humanity and inherent value. My care for Black women has no qualifications, and it’s also not at the expense of anyone else. Womanism is not against men or Whyte women.
My “Black Feminism” stands in opposition to much of my Black Christian American upbringing. I was reared in and deeply ascribed to a “male-centric” worldview for the majority of my life.
Black male safety was paramount in my home. Women’s sexuality and physicality was/is intended for a husband. Girls and women were responsible for the behavior and character of men. Above all, validation comes from men… a man choosing a woman supersedes all other relationships, accomplishments, and endeavors. Being chosen was make or break.. and this is God-ordained.
Now being “chosen” is precarious. The criteria for getting chosen (age, size, aesthetic, social/behavioral, and oddly educationally and economically based) can be fickle. Staying chosen may require ignoring and or tolerating undesirable behavior or circumstances (but it’s usually worth the social currency of being chosen).
I say all that to say: I wasn’t born with a copy of Women's Race and Class in my chunky little hands. I’m from those Brandy Norwood “Broken Hearted” on repeat streets. I’m from those praying and fasting for a godly man at single services and retreats. I’m familiar with the wait on Jesus' way (for you and your babies… cause He’s a father to the fatherless…he got Gilligan!!!! off the island.. icky).
Moving towards liberation has been a hard battle after another.
Embracing critical thinking has been a cornerstone in my healing, professional development, and empowerment. Through the works of Feminist Jones, Maya Angelou, bell hooks, Sonia Sanchez, Patrice Collins, Nikki Giovanni, James Baldwin, Don Miguel Luis, Heather Ash Amara, etc. I’ve been introduced to revolutionary ideas and concepts. Critical thinking has helped me move from unconscious assumption to intentional integration.
I strive to remain open to opportunities to grow and rectify incongruence in my life and practice. (A homie definitely has NOT arrived.) My journey is my own. I make no demands and have no expectations that anyone I work with accept or adopt my worldview. I only ask that they be open to looking deeper into their own worldview. I hope my clients and colleagues would courageously explore the implicit beliefs and unconscious agreements invisibly guiding their lives. The most difficult bondage to escape are the restraints that we don’t know we are in.
When a long-held belief is investigated, and it still resonates, maintain it, cultivate, and nurture it. I don’t believe all of my clients should be feminists if they don’t want to. I don’t want women to remain single if that’s not what they want.