So How Did We Get Hooked?(pt 3/6)
We Are Not Born Broken…
I deeply believe no one was born with the purpose of being rejected. I believe every one is worthy and deserving of love. Unfortunately, little ones don’t always receives their due. Even when love is and connection are present, it may not be delivered the way it’s needed. There may be extenuating circumstances that complicate the best of intentions.
And then comes along life in the outside world. Some of us go seeking what we long for, with limited tools and little confidence. Maybe we meet someone and for the first time their attention and connection releases this hit of dopemine and oxyctocin and we are hooked. This chemical reaction in our brain and subsequently our body feels great…it a may feel like the fulfillment of a long awaited promise… But it’s not all romance and butterflies. The foundation for longing and a compulsion has been set. We may never want to let this feeling go. We don’t want to go back to longing. And maybe this chemistry means… we can trust this person…
Love/ Romantic Relationship Addiction is hard. It’s painful not to trust yourself and it’s scary wondering if you’ll ultimately “end up alone”. The inner compulsive fear of abandonment, may also be shrouded in shame. As much we may long for the euphoric sensation of new love or the fairytale promise of happily ever after, a nagging sense of unworthiness is likely driving our behavior and contributing to these early seeds of self- abandonment.
So how did we get here? What happened along the way that caused all of us who’ve experienced (and are experiencing) LA to pursue and persist relationships that deepen our insecurities and keep our self esteem in a negative feedback loop? Our longings are likely rooted in a complex soup of messages, events, traumas, and imperfect environments. Each individual has a unique set of circumstances that brought him or her to conflate healthy love and intimacy with pathological pattern.
No matter what society or our inner critics says, the origins of our painful patterns aren’t just the result of “bad choices”. When we were small, before we had concepts of right and wrong or the language to put those notions in elaborate categories, were were learning to bond, to connect, and to attach.
Early issues with attachment are often pointed to as a frequent cause of LA/RRA. Attachment Theory is commonly utilized when exploring various types of maladative behaviors in romantic relationships.
Four Styles of Attachment*:
(*see information regarding the evolution of Attachment Theory below)Preoccupied: High Anxiety, Low Avoidance
Also known as anxious preoccupied attachment, usually stems from a deficit in consistent attention and early feelings of insecurity. Those with this attachment style may be prone to low self esteem, fear of abandonment, and challenges with emotional regulation and assertive communication.
Fearful: High Anxiety, High Avoidance
Also known as fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment, can develop when children are in unpredictable and volatile environments. A child may receive a lot of love and attention for a season followed by emotional and physical neglect. Individuals with this attachment style usually deeply desire connection, but fear intimacy. This attachment style can struggle with trust and emotional and relational cycles that are confusing for others.
Dismissing: Low Anxiety, High Avoidance
Also known as dismissive avoidant attachment, may develop when a child’s needs go dismissed and unmet. The child may learn most needs won’t be adequately responded to. A person with attachment style may have romantic relationships, but they are may be shallow in nature and end if there is demand for openers and intimacy.
Secure: Low Anxiety, Low Avoidance
The highly desired secure attachment style is thought to arise when children have their needs constantly met and validated in healthy ways. Those with this type of attachment style normally have a healthy sense of self, are able to communicate their needs, and are able to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
Caveat: Attachment Theory can be one tool to understand how relational messages and patterns develop. However, (and I say this for the utmost respect for the diligent and tireless work of every researcher who helps advance the fields of positive and progressive mental health) all these approaches are theoretical and have their limitations. I also appreciate the role of evidence based interventions…
BUT AS A BLACK WOMAN, I am intimately aware of their limitations and even weaponization of diagnostic tools and treatment paradigms in the field of mental and behavioral health. … alas… different post different day.
I deeply believe there are nuances in all areas of development and long term attachment is no different. It’s unwise to ignore the role of societal, cultural, economic, and environmental factors when we assess how people value themselves and form relationships. I assert, particularly for the Black American Community (specifically the descendants of enslaved Africans), there is romanticizing of what the nuclear family can do to stave off the violence and illness of Whyte supremacy and structural racism. Black single women receive a unique type of social vitriol when they are not partnered. If the inner cultural and religious norms espouse romantic partnership/marriage as community salvation, social insulation, and economic elevation, a preoccupation with romantic love can become all consuming. It also stands to reason, symptoms of RRA may be more severe and complicated for some Black Women when gender dynamics are taken into account.
If you head over to my IG @therapywithmi, I reviewed how single shaming and single-phobia are impacted and perpetuated by gender roles, culture, religion etc. But yeah… TBC Back to the regularly scheduled blog 😬.
Factors that may impact both Attachment Style and general propensity to RRA individually:
Abuse (physical, emotional, verbal)
Substance abuse (caregivers and early personal exposure to substance)
Loss of a parent and or sibling at and early age
Lack of encouragement and validation
Divorce or separation of caregivers
Emotionally ill equip or immature caregivers.
(Samuel & Bickman, 2021)
All of these potential traumas arise early in our lives. Through no fault of our own, we can internalize (false) messages about what love “should” look and feel like. We are inundated with messages before we have language or perspective to evaluate and process them. For ex: We may be so hurt and torn by the demise of our parents’ unions me make unconscious vows that “we won’t ever be alone” or “we will make sure our children always have a mother and father in the home”. Our unconscious commitments may result in our clinging to all kinds of psychological and emotional harm in the name of not being “alone”.
Before we are born, a need for human connection is programed into biology. If we aren’t adequately loved, supported, nourished, and guided, the roots of RRA/ LA can start to develop shortly after we arrive. Unconscious maladaptive patterns aren’t simply about “choosing better”. It may take years of emotional excavating and healthy skill building, to cultivate a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.
The healing process can be aggravated and inhibited when societal shame complicates the healing process. Like we really live in society that blames the offspring for having mommy and or daddy issues. We judge the minor party for their abandonment. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE smh… [moving on]
No matter how we got where we are, we don’t have to remain here. If we become aware of our our RRA/ LA at 16 or 60, there is hope for growth. Healing is available and we are so worthy of it. Courage, compassion, and conscious action can pave the rest of our journeys… one step at a time.
Next time on “What is Love… Addiction?”…. How we heal?
On The History of Attachment Theory …(real quick)
Attachment Theory has it’s origins in the work of John Bowlby (1907-1990), a British psychoanalyst, who’s work proposed that human infants are evolutionarily wired to seek secure and safe attachments to their primary care-givers as a means of survival. He noted crying, tantrums, clinging, and searching for caretakers as behaviors to protest against separation and abandonment. He identified this “attachment system” as a biological mechanism to limit distance and keep caregivers near. (Fraley, 2018)
Although “Attachment Style” is a very popular concept, Bowlby’s findings were pretty much ignored or rejected until Mary’ Ainsworth’s studies of parent child connections (1970s) proved Bowlby correct. Early bonding and attachment are key to healthy development. Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver would go on to propose correlation between caregiver attachment and romantic partner attachment later in life. (Becker-Phelps, 2016) From their work we move to our current research from have today’s notions of Four Styles of Attachment (four category model) (Becker-Phelps, 2016).
Works Cited
Becker-Phelps, L. (2016). Insecure in love: How anxious attachment can make you feel jealous, needy, and worried and what you can do about it. ReadHowYouWant.
Fraley, R. C. (2018). A brief overview of adult attachment theory and research: R. Chris Fraley. A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research | R. Chris Fraley. Retrieved March 29, 2023, from http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm
Hazan , C., & Shaver, P. (1986). Apa PsycNet. American Psychological Association. Retrieved March 29, 2023, from https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1987-21950-001
Samuel, H. C. (2021). Love Addiction Workbook. (J. Bickman, Ed.). Rockridge Press.