My Sister’s Keeper?
How Respectability & Policing Other Women’s Bodies Won’t Save Us… And What Just Might
“I'm not policing nobody’s pussy,” … was my late best friend Eb’s no-nonsense interjection during one of my midnight spirals of shame over a romantic entanglement and my irrational request for her to keep me from “calling” or “seeing” this particular “stumbling block. " We laughed, but her words pierced through years of religious indoctrination that taught me to equate my worth with sexual "purity."
Eb, a radiantly kind and razor-witted Black woman, refused to participate in the societal game of judging women’s bodies or choices. Her mantra—rooted in radical acceptance—challenged me to question why I policed myself and others. Today, as I unpack the legacy of internalized misogyny, I honor her wisdom: sexual autonomy is liberation, and policing women’s bodies—including our own—only perpetuates harm.
On this final day of Women’s History Month 2025, I’d like to focus on how internalized misogyny, through sexual repression, suppression, and judgment, often manifests. More importantly, how can we stop it? As Eb wisely noted, “policing other women’s bodies” is indeed weird, and we can do better.
In this blog, we’ll explore:
The Impact of Sex Shaming and Purity Culture
Social Hierarchies and Sexual Behavior
Self-Policing Desires for Societal Acceptance
Enduring Double Standards Around Sex and Modesty
Conflating Sexual Activity with Love and Commitment
Discrediting Women's Achievements Based on Sexual Reputation
Victim Shaming and Blaming
Stigmatization of Sex Work
Cultivating a Healthy Relationship with Sexuality
The Impact of Sex Shaming and Purity Culture:
When I consider that I was born two decades after this country’s “sexual revolution” and the ubiquitous and easily accessible nature of pornographic media, the regressive discourse surrounding women and sex is utterly baffling…. If you don’t take into account the wave of Purity Culture and Abstinence-Only education from the Bush era…Smh. The number of TikTok lives featuring fully grown adults discussing “Women’s Body Counts” and podcasters promoting the dangerous “80/20” concept contributes, if not entirely, to America’s disdain for science-based, non-religious sexual education… education in general… but I digress).
For those unfamiliar, Purity Culture emphasizes chastity and modesty for women, often reducing a woman's value to her sexual experiences. This reductionist view fosters feelings of guilt and shame, particularly when natural desires emerge. Studies have shown that such cultural frameworks can lead to sexual dysfunction, pain during intercourse, and a reluctance to engage in sexual experiences, even within marital contexts (Magic City Physical Therapy, 2023).
Abstinence Only Education
The Bush-era gave us so very much
Social Hierarchies and Sexual Behavior:
The seeds of the Purity Culture of the late 20th and early 21st are indeed blossoming today. And still, there is nothing new under the sun. Women's sexual behaviors, and preferred lack thereof, have long been scrutinized to serve as metrics for determining their value within societal hierarchies. In some cases, this metric extends beyond the individual to include her entire family, leading to dire consequences. The most common hierarchy consists of “virginity” at the pinnacle, representing a "pure" status, while sexually active women are deemed "reckless" or “unworthy,” occupying lower rungs to varying degrees of fickleness. For Black women, this intersects with misogynoir, where hypersexualized stereotypes (e.g., the Jezebel) clash with respectability politics, forcing them to navigate a double bind.
This phenomenon, rooted in patriarchy and misogyny, relies on women’s internalized misogyny to uphold and enforce cultural and social norms. As a result, women may judge, shame, and blame other women and girls to enhance their perceived morality or status. Such dynamics not only perpetuate divisions among women but also reinforce patriarchal standards that limit collective empowerment.
Self-Policing Desires for Societal Acceptance:
The pervasive influence of purity culture and societal expectations often leads women to suppress or deny their desires, molding themselves to fit an idealized image of virtue. This self-policing can manifest in various ways, including altering personal style or refraining from expressing interest in topics deemed inappropriate. The underlying belief is that by conforming, one becomes more valuable or worthy in the eyes of society and potentially more appealing to a potential partner.
However, this suppression can lead to internal and external conflicts. The former tends to hinder authentic self-expression, while the latter can breed resentment towards women who choose not to follow norms of repression.
Saints and Sinners
“not like other girls”
Enduring Double Standards Around Sex and Modesty:
Even in 2025, sexual double standards remain deeply ingrained. Women are still expected to be “modest” to avoid unwanted attention, placing the burden of male self-control on women’s bodies and choices. These modesty imperatives often lead to subtle forms of victim-blaming—judging a woman’s appearance, demeanor, or choices in ways that normalize male entitlement and contribute to real-world harm and dehumanization.
This culture also stifles education about consent, bodily autonomy, and mutual respect—topics that should be taught universally, without gender bias. Instead, women are often raised to believe they must be in love or in committed relationships to be “worthy” of sexual expression, while men are given more freedom and less scrutiny.
The harmful "body count" discourse and red pill ideology perpetuated online must be met with deep disdain. These toxic narratives teach men and boys to objectify women, reducing their worth to mere sexual history. Even more troubling is when women, whether consciously or unconsciously, reinforce these damaging beliefs by judging others or conforming to respectability politics with phrases like “I’m not like other girls.” Such dynamics are detrimental to all of us. We urgently need a collective unlearning, genuine education, and the freedom for every woman to reclaim her body, her voice, and her choices—free from shame.
Conflating Sexual Activity with Love and Commitment:
For many raised in restrictive or conservative religious environments, sexual activity becomes intertwined with notions of love and commitment. In nearly all Abrahamic faiths, there is an expectation that sex is only permissible within a marriage.
While this expectation appears gender-neutral, it often imposes a higher moral standard on women. Women, viewed as the receivers or acted-upon party, are expected to be more selective regarding sexual congress. We are also perceived as naturally more emotional and easily attached following intimacy.
This conflation can lead individuals to remain in incompatible relationships, convinced that their sexual experiences irrevocably bind them to their partners. Such beliefs highlight the necessity of comprehensive sexual education that distinguishes physical intimacy from emotional obligation.
Unhealthy Attachments and Sexual Intercourse …
can look like, “I just love hard”
Discrediting Women's Achievements Based on Sexual Reputation:
Internalized misogyny significantly undermines women's accomplishments by reducing their success to mere sexual behavior. Expressions such as "she slept her way to the top" not only diminish individual achievements but also reinforce a damaging culture that questions women's professional capabilities based on their personal choices. This pervasive narrative not only devalues hard work and talent but also perpetuates systemic inequality, creating an environment where women are constantly scrutinized and often unjustly judged, thus hindering their progress and recognition in professional spheres.
Victim Shaming and Blaming:
Women, whether intentionally or unintentionally, can play a significant role in perpetuating victim-blaming narratives, a phenomenon often exacerbated by internalized misogyny. This internalized bias can lead individuals to accept and even propagate harmful societal expectations about gender roles, contributing to the stigma that blames survivors instead of focusing on perpetrators. When society shifts its focus to question a survivor's actions or the way they dress, it diverts attention from the perpetrator's egregious misconduct to the victim's behavior. This misguided perspective not only undermines justice but also obstructs the healing process for survivors. By challenging internalized misogyny and shifting the narrative, we can help dismantle these harmful cycles and promote a culture of support and accountability.
Stigmatization of Sex Work:
Internalized misogyny frequently manifests in the form of harsh and often unwarranted judgments toward women engaged in sex work. This pervasive stigmatization not only isolates sex workers from society but also exacerbates their vulnerability to various forms of harm. As a result, these women may feel discouraged from seeking the support or protection they desperately need, leading to further marginalization and a cycle of victimization. Addressing internalized misogyny is crucial in creating a more supportive environment that empowers sex workers and acknowledges their rights and humanity.
Respecting Diverse Life Choices:
Embracing and celebrating our personal values shouldn’t require denouncing the choices of others. In fact, it is both possible and profoundly liberating to acknowledge, respect, and honor the autonomy of all women. When we grapple with the idea of living freely and allowing others the same, it becomes crucial to delve deeply and explore the underlying reasons for our discomfort. Understanding these motivations can cultivate a more compassionate and inclusive perspective.
In a society that uses “sex to sell” everything from chewing gum to automobiles, healthy and transparent communication about sex, sexuality, sexual health, and sex education remains taboo. Through no fault of our own, many of us begin life with shame, guilt, misinformation, unrealistic expectations, and other unconscious messaging surrounding a natural part of the human experience.
We don’t choose how we are taught about sex, womanhood, and sexuality during our formative years. Yet, if we wish to grow and mature in our relationships with ourselves and others, it’s imperative that we identify our blind spots and educate ourselves.
Reflective Activity to Deepen Understanding:
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Have you ever found yourself judging another woman's choices or behaviors? What underlying beliefs or societal messages might have influenced that judgment?
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Do you monitor or suppress your own desires to align with societal expectations? If so, how does this suppression show up? How has this impacted your sense of self and well-being?
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Can you identify instances where media or cultural narratives have shaped your perceptions of women's sexuality? How might these narratives contribute to internalized misogyny?
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Reflect on your conversations with friends or family about sexuality-related topics. Are there patterns of judgment or support? Is there shame and avoidance? How can you foster more open and accepting dialogues?
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Consider the messages about sexuality you received from older generations, particularly the older women in your life. How have these influenced your beliefs and behaviors? In what ways can you challenge or uphold these teachings?
Note: Messages aren’t limited to direct or declarative statements like: “Only fast girls dress like that”. Messages can include shying away from a subject and facial expressions that transmit distress when certain topics are brought up. Ostracizing or avoiding individuals who don’t meet certain expectations is also a form of communication standards.
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Think about a woman whose choices differ significantly from yours. How can you approach understanding her perspective without judgment? What steps can you take to support her autonomy?
Cultivating a Healthy Relationship with Sexuality
Developing a conscious and authentic connection with one's sexuality involves:
Educating oneself about sexual health and anatomy.
Engaging in open dialogues with trusted individuals or professionals.
Challenging societal narratives that induce shame or guilt.
The Journey Toward Healing:
Overcoming sexual-based shame is a gradual and intentional process. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to unlearning deeply ingrained beliefs.
Addressing Personal and Cultural Wounds:
Healing from personal traumas, whether stemming from childhood experiences, sexual abuse, or cultural neglect of sexual education, is pivotal. Acknowledging and addressing these wounds paves the way for a liberated and authentic self.
Embracing Sexual Autonomy:
Understanding and embracing sexual autonomy is a deeply personal journey influenced by cultural, societal, and personal factors. By recognizing and challenging internalized misogyny, we can create a more inclusive and supportive environment for all women. As we navigate this path, let us remember Eb's wisdom and strive to honor our own truths without policing others.
RESOURCES
Books:
Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation by Linda Kay Klein
Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown
Online:
Kimberly Huggins and Brittany Brathwaite started Kimbritive when they noticed that Black women and girls often missed out on genuine conversations about sex. Their passion for inclusivity and openness drove them to create a space where these important discussions can thrive.
References
Bailey, M. (2016). Misogynoir in medical spaces. Catalyst: Feminism, Theory, Technoscience, 2(2). https://catalystjournal.org/index.php/catalyst/article/view/28800
Klein, L. K. (2018). Pure: Inside the evangelical movement that shamed a generation. Simon & Schuster.
Magic City Physical Therapy. (2023). How purity culture impacts women's sexual health. https://www.magiccitypt.com
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster
